bitch slap

I’m moving across the country next week. When I tell people this, there has been a requiring thought, “oh so you going there to find a husband?” What? No. I’m going because I want to. I’m going because I’m done living here. I’m going because I find you and this place to be boring.
I have been wanting to move away for a few years but never had the opportunity. The opportunity has come and I am taking it. I have been planning on moving with no other agenda then…….. I want something different.
But that’s not what everyone is thinking. They think I am moving because I have not married. Moving to new land with fresh game.
To all of you who have asked me this and to all of you who are thinking this. No.
What happens, happens. Moving across the country to find a husband is not my purpose, didn’t even cross my mind.
Next person to say, “going to find a husband are you? ;)”
I will slap you.

the hobo life: revisited

Remember last summer when I wrote about the hobo life that I dreamed of living? Well I’m making that dream a reality. Sorta. I’m not going west but rather north-east and I wont be walking but flying/driving. But the rest remains the same. I am packing a bag and leaving everything behind. I don’t have savings or a trust fund or a credit card. I just have whatever is in my checking account and whatever money I can make before I leave.
Things just aren’t working out. Since I posted about the hobo life back in August, I have been unemployed, employed, unemployed, employed, fed up with the limited options this town offers, missing the people I truly care about, bored, angry, hurt, sad, lonely, frustrated. Basically, in the same situation I was in six months ago. I have done just about all I can do to grown and mature in this currant state and I feel that I need to do more. So naturally, the next step would be to change my currant state. Not that I think this will solve all of my problems and make my life easier. I know it will be hard, I know I have many challenges ahead of me, some unknown, I know that I will have new problems to solve. But I will also have opportunities. The opportunities to explore new things and ideas; opportunities to challenge myself. That’s what I’m looking for, a challenge.

 

2014: The year I would like to forget

I don’t even remember what my new years resolution was for this year. I already eat healthy and exercise, for the most part anyway. I don’t think I made one. I do remember that I had a Great Gatsby new years eve party, a dazzling one at that. I put a lot of thought and planning into it; I made decorations and hand painted 24 champagne glasses with gold glitter, I made food and played bartender. It was gorgeous.  Some of the best party planing I have ever done.  A party that no one came to. I was in a transition from one group of friends to an other. A few of my old friends showed up. I do remember feeling terribly lonely that night, a precursor for the months to come. I do know that it was cold, unbearably cold. I wished for summer, thinking things would be better then.

Only a few months into the year and already so much had happen, some good and some bad; my brother became a father to a darling little girl, yet another addition to our clan. Someone dear to me took a wrong turn and headed down a dark road with no hope in sight, I remember crying myself to sleep, calling out to God to bring this person back, I’m still waiting. I thought I would give love a chance but love didn’t give me a chance. I went to a concert and experienced a brief moment of joy. I learned that a friend had cancer, nothing to serious they told me, whatever that means.

Then summer came and with it, new joys and heartbreak; I started running, which was fun until it wasn’t, I did meet some personal goals so it was not all in vain. My baby brother came to visit and for a short time, I had fun. I made a new friend. I went to see the Broadway musical, Wicked. I was once again told that a friend had cancer, this time it was serious. I lost my job. I cried a lot. I got a new hobby.

Then fall came; I went to three funerals in just as many weeks. I cried some more. I got a new job, one I really like. I got a second job that I quit two weeks later. I got news that an old friend had committed suicide. I saw the separation of a family. I had an old acquaintance come back into my life. I went to my first rock concert.

Finally, winter has arrived once again and I’m right back where I started; a little older, maybe a little wiser but not much ahead then where I were last December.  2014 was going to be the year I figured everything out, the year I “moved forward in life”. But as they say, life happens. Instead and I had to re-figure things out again……and again. It was also hard to “move forward” when I did’t know which directions in which to move.

I shed a lot of tears this year. But looking at this list, taking the time to make it, I see that there was some good times. And that I had forgotten most of it, not only the bad but also the good. So maybe I shouldn’t forget 2014. Maybe I shouldn’t look forward to 2015, for all I know it could just be a repeat of this past year. Or worse. Or better.

 

Note:

I’m finishing this post at 6:22pm on New Years Eve. I didn’t have a party this year, nor am I going to one.  My house isn’t decorated in gold streamers, champagne isn’t being poured, there will be no one to kiss at midnight. It’s just me and my mom and sisters, all in out pjs, waiting for my dad to come home, eating ice cream and deciding on what movie to watch, not much different from any other weekday night.  I will not be waiting with bated breath for the new year to come, I will not believe that these twelve months are going to be any more special then the last twelve. I will take each moment as it comes to me.

 

Well, there is something that I will be waiting for with much excitement and that is the 40 pack of pizza bagel bites! A new years eve tradition in my house ^^

 

 

post life depression

With out fail, no matter where I go or who I’m with I get this deep feeling of “shit, this is where I live”.  I say this every time I come back from a trip.

When I’m away from home, I don’t miss it. I miss my sisters and wish they came with me but I don’t miss anyone or anything else. If I could take my two sisters with me, I would. I don’t miss my bed or my house. I don’t miss my “friends”. I don’t miss work. I don’t miss any of it, even if I’m gone for weeks, because often when I get back it feels as if no time has pasted. Nothing changes. Everything remains as it was whereas I have changed. I feel like that when I’m home too; nothing changes, nothing happens, dull. The little things I force myself to be excited about quickly disappoint soon as they happen; small visits from people, trips to the store, Wednesday night church, dull.  I’ve traveled all over the world, I’ve spent time in numerous cities across America and this one is my least favorite.

I’m young and I like pretty things. I love architecture, style, creativity, art, music, good food and drink, intelligent conversation, ideas, exploration, history, science, nature, and people. I love when all of these things, and more, are thrown together in one city. I love when you walk downtown and all of these things are emanating from the very sidewalk.  I love being in these cities. And I hate when I have to leave them. I’m waiting for the day when I don’t have too.

Draw me a picture

 

Hmmm how do I say this without sounding like a narcissist?  I guess there is no way.
I’m still waiting for one of my creative friends to put me in one of their short stories or even draw me. Not because I’m a narcissist (maybe this proves that I am?) but because I wonder how others perceive me, what do I look like to them, how do I behave around them, just how much of my personality is seen on the outside. I’m so very curious as to what the out come would be.
I guess maybe I want this because often when I look at pictures of myself or even in the mirror I don’t recognize…. me. “Is that what I look like?” Looking at old pictures of me, I don’t look anything like I do now. I’ve changed so much over the years; long, short, blonde, brown, purple hair, braces on then off, glasses, no glasses, sometimes glasses. I watch myself grow old but does anyone else see it? The new lines under my eyes, my cheek bones emerging from the baby fat, those sneaky crows feet that appear around my eyes when I smile (I will never not smile by the way, crows feet or not!). Am I the only one who notices these things?
If someone were to draw me, would I be smiling? I like to think thats how people see me, but I know this not the case. Would they draw how they remember me when we were younger or have they too noticed the changes in my face?

If I were a character in their stories, would I be the hero or the villain? The smart one or the one who gets killed two chapters in? Clever or a dits? Sidekick or leading lady? Am I the quiet, timid girl who needs to go beyond her comfort zone to get the guy of her dreams or the take charge hero who brings balance and peace to the world?

Note: So I’m full of myself, yes. I kinda hate that I have these thoughts but here they are, very real and very much on my mind more then they should be. Don’t forget to put that in your story.

 

best blogging buddy award

 

His name is Dave and he’s cute and he knows it.

Thanks for the tag Joni, again. I do enjoy these very much, it makes blogging easier!

 

The rules of this award are:

You must post to show the award on your main blog.

You must tag the person who nominated you in your post.

You must tag all of your best buddies.

You must ask your buddies at least fifteen questions on your post.

You must answer all of the questions your buddies ask you on your post.

 

1. What is something that scares you, but that you also dream of doing?

Spending the rest of my life close to someone. It scares me to be open and let my guard down. It’s also scary to be responsible for caring for someone else’s feelings.  Yet at the same time, it’s what I want. Knowing that there is someone who understands and has my back. I’m a deep feeler which is something I want to share with others but I’m scared that not everyone appreciates it. It really is the only thing I’m scared of. I’m not afraid to fly, or large bodies of water or getting up and doing something silly in front of people (well maybe a little but it’s not something I *want* to do).

2. What color are your bedroom walls?

White. It’s an empty canvas where I can create and fill with the things I love yet open to anything.

3. If you had an animal side-kick/spirit animal, what would it be?

A Fox.

4. If you could own any celebrity’s wardrobe, whose would you pick?

Esther Quek, a fashion celebrity. Don’t misunderstand, I’m *not* queer but I do love a good suit on anyone. And I don’t like to wear mens clothes. I’m a woman and I wear clothes that are cut and made for my body. Nonetheless, what Quek does with suits is amazing! Like nothing I have ever seen! I don’t have the money nor the creativity to put together clothes like she does but I wish I did.

5. What food are you currently obsessed with/eating all the time?

Vietnamese food.  There is a little shop in the food court at the mall and I get 10% off because I work in the mall. I love Banh Mi sandwiches and spring rolls.  The sandwiches are…… sigh they are life. I’m not even sure what’s in them but I know that the bread is amazing, it’s french bread with a crispy outside and a soft warm center; mystery meat, jalapenos, some sort of mayo and pickled veggies, oh the veggies!

I get it with out cilantro.

6. What is your LEAST favorite time of year?

Winter. I was born on an Island in the Pacific, I hate winter.

7. If you could choose any story to be made into a movie/tv show, what would it be?

Chinese Cinderella by Adeline Yen Mah.  I read this book many years ago but I still remember it well.

8. If you could acquire any talent in an instant, what skill would you like to have? 

Music. To sing and or play an instrument. I suck at those things but I love music so much!

9. What store/shop would you work at purely for the employee-discount?

I don’t shop much. A music store, definitely.

10. What upcoming movie release are you most looking forward to?

JURASSIC WORLD! And Star Wars! I love Jurassic Park so much; I love dinosaurs and I love that movie.

11. What (if any) program would you like to take part in?  (Such as an educational program or a community service program.)

uh, take part in? Like participate? Wut. There is one. I want to intern for JFA, Justice for All, they train and educate you to help others understand what abortion is and to go out and talk to others about it. Spreading the word and starting conversations about the truth, in the defense of the unborn.

12. What’s your favorite form of procrastination?

Picking the right music, “I can’t do the dishes with this song on, let me find the right one”.

13. What historical person would you like to meet/be friends with?

Gorge Washington.

14. What’s your favorite animated show (excluding movies)?

uh, Avatar the Last Airbender, duh. Most epic, well thought out series ever made. So much thought and time and passion was put into that show and that’s what I love about it.  The characters at the beginning of the show are not the same at the end, never have I seen cartoon characters grow and mature like they did in this show. So many feels by the the third season.

15. What website do you think you frequent most?

Pinterest, Tumblr, Facebook and Personality Junkie

And I tag Sara from the dashwood gals.

1 Show us your dream tattoo.

2 Who was your first literary crush?

3 What does your dream house/apartment look like?

4 Who is your girl crush?

5 Why are boys stupid?

6 What was the last book you read?

7 What is a recurring dream that you have?

8 What is you most prized worldly possession?

9 What’s your favorite rap song? Everyone has one.

10 What is a tv show or book that you are embarrassed about liking?

11 What’s your favorite pattern?

12 What are you obsessing over at the moment?

13 What’s your favorite color combination?

14 What’s you favorite hiding place?

15 What do you do when you have writers block? (I ask this because I couldn’t think of one more question)

sunshine award – Kdrama edition

 

Thanks to Joni, I have something to blog about! YAY!  I’ve been super busy working two jobs, the days when I would lay on the floor staring at the ceiling are long gone now and I don’t miss those days. I do miss blogging though, maybe after the holiday rush I will get back into it (famous last words).

Rules :

• Answer the questions from the person who nominated you.
• Nominate a few other bloggers
• Write the same amount of questions for the bloggers you nominated.
• Notify the bloggers on their blog.

Here are her questions :

What was the first Korean drama you ever watched and why did you give it a try?

Oh wow, let me think, that was such a long time ago, so many dramas ago. I think it was Big. It has such a great cast (Gong Yoo) and I, to my embarrassment now, absolutely loved it, like giddy stupid grin on my face loved it. Now that I look back, twas a silly show and the ending was………well a kdrama ending. Despite the ridiculous plot twists it was still a decent show that made me feel lots of feels. I gave it a try because I was into kpop and I have always loved foreign films since I was a little kid.

Do you cry during Kdramas- and if so, what was the last show/scene (without big spoilers) you were watching when you got a little teary?

hmm cry? Not really. Lots of Dramas have made me sad and left me feeling down for days afterward but not cry.  I have cried, like all out balling, tears and snot, after watching the Korean movie, Taegukgi.

^ That was me after that movie.

What is the largest amount of consecutive episodes have you watched in one sitting? 

haha I think it was Creating Destiny, one of my favorites despite the fact that it was ten episodes too long. Oh man the couple in that one was the best; watching their relationship grow and blossom was beautiful. I may have stayed up till the wee hours of the morning watching it by myself.

What Kdrama would you recommend to a newbie?

That would depend on the person. City Hunter, Flower Boy Ramen Shop. Flower Boy Next Door is one I watched with someone who had never seen a kdrama and she liked it a lot!

Second Male Lead all the way, for reals.

Name two dramas that you’ve started but never finished.

There are more then two but the first that comes to mind are Gu Family Book, waaay to many slow motion scenes with inner dialogue! And Bread, Love and Dreams waaay to much grown men crying. GET IT TOGETHER MAN! I would have finished it, there were some elements that I loved about it, namely Joo Won, but it was just too much for me, I found myself yelling at the tv every night.

What Korean drama character’s wardrobe do you want for yourself?

Gil Ra Im from Secret Garden, not to flashy and frilly. She has a tomboy/street style that I like and that’s the first time I saw high heeled sneakers, it sounds like a dumb idea but trust me, it works.

I already have that outfit so it’s not really a wish, I guess I wish I had more of it! 😛

 

Is there something (food/location/etc) that you’ve seen in a drama that you would like to experience for yourself?

All the food I see in dramas that look good, I have made or bought at the Korean store, it really is my favorite kind of food, eat it all the time. I really like their apartments, even the roof top apartments; I think it would be neat to have an apartment influenced by Korean design.

Such a simple design.

What kind of drama would you like to see done that you don’t feel they’ve done yet OR what story/book/non-Korean show would you like to seen made into a Korean drama?

oh wow.  They’ve done just about everything, it’s hard to think of something. Maybe a futuristic sci-fi.  I know there was some “sci-fi” ones out there but I mean a serious, legit science fiction, with space exploration, hover crafts, holograms, action, discoveries and real aliens, that one drama doesn’t count. I recently watch Snowpiercer directed by Bong Joon-ho and it has to the best movie I’ve seen in a long time, absolutely amazing. I find it odd how different Korean movies are form tv shows, I wish there was a show has epic as Snowpeircer.

 

I tag Tina, yeah, I always tag her in stuff, who cares 😛 

What was the first Korean drama you ever watched and why did you give it a try?
What Kdrama song or OST stayed on you for a long time?
What drama gave you the longest hangover?
What drama cliche, if any, are you sick of?
Which Kdrama character would be your ideal love of your life?
What was the worst drama you ever saw?
What is a drama that you can watch over and over again?
What Kdrama would you recommend to a newbie?
What’s your favorite word in Korean?

New Experiences

This week I start a new job. One I’m excited about.
Just for the heck of it, I applied at a local restaurant; I had been avoiding working in the food world my whole life, knowing that it is fast paced and involves interaction with humans. But my love for food trumps all.
I picked this place because it’s locally owned and they make everything from scratch, nothing is frozen save for the ice cream. I could not work for a place that does otherwise, it’s against my moral code.  Also, they don’t seem too busy or over crowded, which will be good for me to take my time to learn how things are done, I do not like to be rushed.

I applied a while ago to be server and after a week or two when I did not hear back, I figured they were not hiring. Then I got a call from them and that week had an interview. The next Monday I got my food handlers card and my ABEL license (so I can serve alcohol). My first day on the clock was Tuesday.

There were five other new servers, we spent that morning talking, filling out paper work and took a tour of the kitchen and dinning room.
I was the only one who had not worked in a restaurant before. The woman training us kept saying, “but you guys already know that” and I had to keep interrupting that I did not know anything and ask if she would explain. She was real nice about it and seemed to understand and would end a topic with (pointing at me) “we’ll go over this more, later”.
A part of me is worried that my progress will be compared to the other new employees. We all started at the same time but I know it will take me longer to get into the rhythm of things. And I hope that isn’t seen as me not working hard or me not understanding. Another part of me is confidant that that will not be the case. They made it very clear that I may take my time and that some get it in a few days and some in a week or two. That this is a good place to learn the ropes, lets hope so.

Not only did all of them have experience in food serves but they all also had something I didn’t. Children. I was a little surprised to find that all the new employees and our trainer had at least one kid, if not more. And some of the women are my age and younger. Once again, I got pegged as the youngest, the baby face, the under age are you old enough to drink. Despite the fact that I’m three years older than the woman with a one year old and experience. I felt very much out of place, not in the restaurant or in the kitchen, in that I felt comfortable, that I know. But out of place among my peers. All of these life milestones I have yet to experience. Am I really that far behind? Am I missing something? I always feel so child like when around adults, as if I should not be there with them.
As we sat around talking about our schedules and our commitments to children and other jobs, I was sitting off to the side, all virgin like, “I…….have a cat. And I can work anytime really, because it’s just me mostly”. I have these moments often, asking myself if I’m “living my life to the fullest”. Wondering if I’m missing out. Wondering if I am in fact an adult. Those moments scare me, give me panic. But I remind myself that I don’t need to have children to be an adult, I don’t need a career to live a fulfilling life. Even though I have not experienced the things these women have, I have my own experiences, responsibilities (though I admit not nearly as many as my fellow coworkers, at least not at home, at work we are equal), my own stories and relationships that influence me. They may judge me or think me immature (jokes on them because I am very mature) but how they see me is greatly influenced by their own understanding and experiences, by how they process information not necessarily by who I actually am. That’s something they can’t see. They don’t know all of me, therefore what they think of me is not the whole picture.  And the same goes for me too. I have to be careful to keep an open mind about these new people in my life.

All that being said, all the people I have met at work have been nothing but kind and helpful to me. All of them have given me advise and I feel will be there to help me learn and excel.

Wish me luck!

Fighting! ^^

20 things you might not know about me (tag)

I have never done a tag post on a blog before, mostly because no one has ever tagged me. On Facebook sometimes yes but I usually ignore them because I don’t care, but this time………..this time I will not ignore the tag ^.^

Question 1: How tall are you?

5′ 9.5″ to be exact ^^

Question 2: Do you have a hidden talent? If so, what?

I can whistle.

Question 3: What’s your biggest blog-related pet peeve?

Blog posts that are too long. Sometimes I’ll start to read a post then scroll down to see how long it is and……no. Unless it’s written by someone I know or if it’s a subject I care deeply about, I don’t have the patience.

Question 4: What’s your biggest non-blog related pet peeve?

People who point out the obvious, people who feel the need to interrupt silence with……. talking. gross.

Question 5: What’s your favorite song?

My favorite song changes as I do. But I would have to say the one song that has consistently been on my playlist over the years is “Landslide”, by Fleetwood Mac; the whole album is gold and I highly recommend it. Feels.

Question 6: What’s your favorite Etsy shop that isn’t yours?

I don’t go on Etsy. Well, I did this week, only to see how much people sell their quilled art for.

Question 7: What’s your favorite way to spend your free time when you’re alone?

Listening to music and thinking about “fings”.

Question 8: What’s your favorite junk food?

I love ALL THE FOODS @_@
but I especially love Poptarts. oh yeah 😉

Question 9: Do you have a pet or pets? If so, what kind and what are their names?

A very old cat named Mr. Kitty Joe-Joe Coolpants, we call him Joe for short. Various other cats, Shadow, Tweety and Kally. And a dog named Princess aka Pee pants puppy.

Question 10: What are your number one favorite nonfiction and fiction books?

Nonfiction: what is nonfiction? Jk.  I Dreamed of Africa by Kuki Gallmann

Honorable mentions: The Tread that Runs so True by Jesse Stuart, and Abigail Adams by Woody Holton.

Fiction: To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I cried at the end, not because the ending was sad but because I didn’t want the book to end.

Honorable mentions: Planet of the Apes by Pierre Boulle (yes, it was a book before it was a movie), Les Misérables by Victor Hugo, The Little House on the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder (it’s also the only book series that has kept my attention till the end), The Borrowers by Mary Norton, and lots more.

Question 11: What’s your favorite beauty product?

Natureluxe mousse mascara from Covergirl. Tis so light and fluffy, and never clumps or flakes.

Question 12: When were you last embarrassed? What happened?

Don’t remember >.>

Question 13: If you could only drink one beverage (besides water) for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Mead, it’s wine made from honey. And it’s usually carbonated, what more do you need?

Question 14: What’s your favorite movie?

The Count of Monte Cristo (2002), I honestly have no idea how many times I have watched it, too many to count, I assure you.

That right there ^ best scene in any movie I have ever watched, and I have watched a lot of movies. .

Question 15: What were you in high school: prom queen, nerd, cheerleader, jock, valedictorian, band geek, loner, artist, prep?

Umm I would guess, loner. You know, if I actually went to a high school.

Question 16: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

New Zealand.

Question 17: PC or Mac?

Samsung Galaxy Note II. And sometimes PC.

Question 18: Last romantic gesture from a crush, date, boy/girlfriend, spouse?

Mr. Joe-Joe brought me a headless rodent as a token of his affection.

Question 19: Favorite celebrity?

Amy Poehler.

Question 20: What blogger do you secretly want to be best friends with?

^.^ um obviously Joni from lace and fog, she’s the one who tagged me. Why else would I be answering all these questions!?

~

I will tag the dashwoodgals Tina and Sara.

Lazy Week

This has probably been the most lazy week in my life. I’m a little ashamed of it, well more then a little. I honestly can’t remember doing anything productive. I do remember spending most of my week either in bed or laying on the floor a few feet away from my bed, staring at the ceiling, attempting to maybe do yoga but not.

I came up with a lot of good excuses to not do the things that I normally do. The 100+ degree weather was a good one. I have run once in the past three weeks and done yard work once since, I don’t know when. These are things I do everyday, they are how I use unspent energy. So to not do them, naturally, I should find something else to do. I did’t. I figured since I have all this time in the house, it being to hot to go outside and not having a job nor having any money to go out, I should use my creative energy to create things. I didn’t. I have done nothing. And it is a terrible feeling. I did try though, if that counts. I tried to be creative, I looked up projects I could do but then didn’t do them. I looked for a new job but didn’t get it.

I was so bored and un-creative that I took a bath. A BATH! When was the last time you took a bath? It has been a long time, mostly because I don’t fit well in the bath tub but that didn’t stop me this time. I had finished in the shower and having nothing better to do, I simply just sat down in the tub, to lazy to get out. I plugged the drain and sat there for a very long time. Doing nothing. Not even thinking. Just once again, staring at the ceiling.

I think that was my lowest point. Wait no, when I changed out of PJs, took a bath then changed into an other pair of PJs, at three in the afternoon, that was my lowest point.

For the most part, not having a steady income has never bothered me too much. I don’t need much to live, I have very few bills to pay. I would work and save then have time not working and live off the money I saved. But as I get older and think more about the future, I realize that this is not going to workout for much longer.  There are things that I would like to do, places I would like to see. Not to mention the numerous weddings I have to attend next year. Weddings are expensive and one of them is long distance.

But in the grand scheme of things, it’s not the money I need so much but something to do.  I hate doing nothing. I hate being bored. I need to work. I need to know that my time and energy and talents are being used for the greater good of man kind.

Pray I find a job soon for the sake of my sanity.